I've been offline for a week. I suppose you thought I was busy working. What if I told you I'd spent the last week curled up in the fetal position with my eyes pinched shut, waiting for the Mountain Dew lawsuit to just go away?

You know what I'm talking about, right? A guy tried to sue PepsiCo because he claims he found a mouse in his can of Mountain Dew.

But - in a revelation of logic that would've done Jessica Fletcher proud, PepsiCo's scientists shut him down by (essentially) saying, "You're lying. Know how we know? If a mouse HAD been trapped in the can, the chemicals in Mountain Dew would've reduced it to jelly before you opened the can. AH HA! LIAR!"

Hey PepsiCo: let's file that one under "Winning the Battle, Losing the War."

Alan (ever the lawyer) disagrees with me on this one. He considers this The. Best. Defense. Ever. Why? "Because seriously? Mountain Dew is florescent yellow. It GLOWS. No one is going to be surprised that it isn't good for them to ingest. The only thing that is missing in their defense is, 'DUH.'"

At this point in our conversation, I find it hard to keep eye contact. Because, um, shameful as this is to admit: I love Diet Mountain Dew. It is the best tasting flavor of florescent yellow I know. And as a fan of DMD, I believe it is my responsibility to drink it regularly - someone needs to help Pepsi diversify their consumer base for this product. Here's my sense of the current consumer profile for Diet Mountain Dew:

Keepin' it classy. You're welcome, Pepsi.

Oh sure, I know it's not health food. I didn't think it was giving me a vitamin boost. I didn't call it Magic Juice. But - and tell me if I have unrealistic standards here - I don't expect something approved by the FDA to actively rot my innards. Sigh.

In related news, I'm thinking I might need to read the ingredient list on this a bit more closely before I spread it on my toast: