WHY isn't the state tourism board putting me on their payroll? Oh wait - probably because they don't like to waste taxpayers' money, which is YET ANOTHER reason you would enjoy living there...

The only thing dangerous about this is the possibility that I might poop on beach-goers.

I never understand why people love oceans. I mean, I enjoy water of any variety, but if I could choose, I'd pick a lake any time. It might be that those are simply my Michigan roots shining through (Hello, Great Lake State!), but let me share my logic and you tell me if it's flawed.

First, when is the last time someone was attacked by a shark in a lake? Pretty sure the answer to that one is NEVER. (Actually, wait - just found this article and apparently it does happen. But I'd like to point out that it's in Nicaragua. So if you're visiting there, you've probably already come to terms with an untimely death anyway. A bull shark in a lake isn't the worst end you could meet.) Nicaragua not withstanding, let's assume your odds of encountering a shark in a lake are next to nil.

Second, no salt in your eyes. (Unless you're talking about the Great Salt Lake, but that's like an oxymoron. Let's agree to call that Utah's Ocean from here on out, ok?) Tell me this isn't one of the most annoying things about the ocean... spend any amount of time out in the waves and you look like a stoner with bloodshot eyes. Not in a lake.

Third, not as many jellyfish. Sure, there are some freshwater jellyfish, but I can't remember the last time I ran into one in a lake. Whereas at the ocean? They're like landmines dotting the beach. Landmines that make people pee on each other for relief. In other words: not very friendly landmines.

Fourth, you can generally find GRASS near a lake, rather than sand. Some sand is fine, but having to walk through miles of sand? Having sand get in your drink? Decidedly NOT cool. Also: have you ever burned the bottoms of your feet on grass? I'm guessing NO, because grass is awesome.

But you can't SURF in a lake, my ocean-loving friends claim. WRONG. The Great Lakes have waves, people. Don't believe me? Check this out:

See? What else are you waiting for? NOW is the time to love the lakes and visit Michigan. Or any other lake in any other state for that matter. Just as long as it's not in Nicaragua.